im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
