i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
jump out the window naked night went bad
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
