I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Still dying that you shit outside
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
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