So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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