Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
