weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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