it was like eating out sand paper
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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