I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
