I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
you mean i was at the winter classic?
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
