Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
