Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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