you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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