nut hugger
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
