My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
25 People Confess The Most Ignorant Thing Someone Has Ever Said To Them
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!