i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
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