I got chris browned last night
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
