so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
