i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
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He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
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Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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