It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
The struggles of a small town man whore
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
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