i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
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