More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
