alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
