im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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