Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Randomize
