Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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