I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
