I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
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