lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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