I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
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I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
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Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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