i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Randomize
