you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
