By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
