I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Randomize
