i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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