u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
