I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
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