The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
These Attractive Criminals Took Sexy Mugshots That Made Them Famous
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.