Texts From Last Night

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  (205): View more from Alabama

  it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"

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  (205): it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!" http://tfl.nu/6ypb
  Replies (14) Good night (2441) Bad night (741)
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  (586): View more from Michigan

  i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning

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  (586): i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning http://tfl.nu/zcz6
  Replies (33) Good night (3131) Bad night (788)
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  ...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..

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  (603): ...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night.. http://tfl.nu/6ino
  Replies (46) Good night (4672) Bad night (901)
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.

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  (908): So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning. http://tfl.nu/ff78
  Replies (31) Good night (2907) Bad night (5800)
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??

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  (201): dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her?? http://tfl.nu/1hfi
  Replies (8) Good night (1150) Bad night (3930)
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.

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  (303): I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever. http://tfl.nu/ptta
  Replies (17) Good night (4239) Bad night (3868)
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  (775): View more from Nevada

  I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.

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  (775): I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means. http://tfl.nu/woys
  Replies (9) Good night (3870) Bad night (954)
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.

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  (708): You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx. http://tfl.nu/t703
  Replies (21) Good night (3514) Bad night (815)
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  (941): View more from Florida

  Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.

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  (941): Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything. http://tfl.nu/u3ar
  Replies (9) Good night (4045) Bad night (750)
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  (778): View more from British Columbia

  Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.

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  (778): Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP. http://tfl.nu/dcb2
  Replies (4) Good night (1591) Bad night (529)
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  (228): View more from Mississippi

  We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver

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  (228): We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver http://tfl.nu/kd5u
  Replies (4) Good night (1702) Bad night (506)
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  (562): View more from California

  That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.

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  (562): That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation. http://tfl.nu/22zx
  Replies (5) Good night (337) Bad night (864)
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  (515): View more from Iowa

  I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.

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  (515): I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head. http://tfl.nu/kz5k
  Replies (10) Good night (1309) Bad night (392)
• Favorite

  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.

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  (781): not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that. http://tfl.nu/qu2b
  Replies (2) Good night (1163) Bad night (289)
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  (647): View more from Ontario

  You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only

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  (647): You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only http://tfl.nu/xu5w
  Replies (11) Good night (422) Bad night (667)

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