he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
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I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
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I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO