I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
The Internet Is Obsessed With This Stripper Who Dropped It Low Just To Eat A Slice Of Pizza
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize
