we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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