My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Randomize
