she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
