If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
well you can't waste a boner
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
