I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
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