Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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