Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
