I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
