I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
