Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
