Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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