Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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