you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
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