I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
