false alarm. still invincible.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
