is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
