we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
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