Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
