if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
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