Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
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You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
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I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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