Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
