The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
