my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize
