I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
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